Why Do We Teach Our Kids To Share?

You can throw stones at me, but I really don't feel like we are supposed to teach our kids to share as a general rule. I could list a million reasons why. But, I'll just give you a couple of examples.

Say that your little girl was playing with her doll, as happy as she can be, by herself. Then my little girl went over to your little girl and started acting like a fool because she wanted to play with the doll.

Is it really right to tell your daughter to share?

Turn the tables.

How about I come up to you while you are jamming out to the music on your iPod and throw a hissy fit because I wanted the iPod?

What if someone told you to share with me?

That's not going to happen, because that's not how real life is!

So, why do we teach our children to "Share" like it's a mantra? Of course, I'm not saying not to teach your kids to share. It just shouldn't be a general rule as a child, because that's not a general rule for real life.

Let's say you are at work, sitting at your desk, desperately trying to beat a deadline. Your co-worker comes over and throws a temper tantrum, because she wants to sit at your desk and use your computer and do your work!

You're going to look at her like she's crazy. Or, you might have the urge to slap her.

That doesn't happen in real life! So, why enforce it upon our kids? See how you felt? How do you think a kid would feel?

I can imagine them thinking, "That's just ludicrous!"

We should also be teaching our children how to play together and get along and negotiate through potential problems. But, why use the word "Share"?
It's kind of rude of us as parents totally disregard our children's feelings and force them to share.

Now, certainly, we should be teaching the child who doesn't want to let anyone that comes to his house play with any of his toys that there's enough to go around, several times.

I'm not saying never, never, never use the word "Share", but to pick our battles. Suzy and Henry can work it out. And, if they can't, then we should step in just a bit and guide how they work their way through the problem. (Without using the word "Share".)

Sure, there are times when it's nice to share. We're supposed to be kind to each other. But, sharing is not the answer to all problems.

Just because I have a more comfortable chair and desk and a more updated computer at work than you do (haha!), doesn't mean that I should have to share it with you anytime you feel like you want to use my office space.

I'd like to see someone try it!

It would be kinda fun, though, if we really could (as grown adults) go up to someone and throw a fit because we want to drive their Lamborghini. And a big voice boomed, "Share!" to the Lamborghini owner, and she reluctantly handed over her keys.

"I Don't Know How You Do It With 9 Kids" - A Few of My Life Hacks

"I Don't Know How You Do It With 9 Kids!"

If I had a penny for every time I've heard this (and it really started back when I had 5 kids), I'd be uber rich. And, yet, somehow, I don't know how I do it, either. I just do the best I can each day.

Sometimes, I feel like a failure. I just can't accomplish everything I want to.

Sometimes, I feel like all I do is solve little people problems all day. But, the truth is, I'm not just a SAHM, but also a WAHM.

So, on top of taking care of every last need of all nine kids (and a husband), I'm also filling out the miscellaneous paperwork that comes along with kids, scheduling and attending appointments, organizing dresser drawers and closets, keeping up with clothing needs - they grow so fast! Etc., etc., etc...

And then, I have to figure out how to squeeze my work into the 24 hours that we are alloted each day. And sleep...and showering...and eating...and brushing my teeth...

Delegation

Back in the days of my professional business management career, when I actually left the house to work...oh, how much easier those days were! Anyway, back in those days, I learned - and actually taught at management seminars - tons of techniques for managing employees.

Funny thing is, a lot of these techniques also work in the home.

For example, delegation.

With three teenagers now, plus a 10 year old, an 8 year old, and a 6 year old, there are responsible kids who can be delegated to. But, delegation is not the key to getting things done, and getting them done right.

After all, kids, like employees, will often "forget" they were delegated to, or even better yet, mess up the task they were delegated.

(Do you ever feel like you would have been better off doing it yourself?)

It's what you do after the delegation that either makes or breaks the technique. You have to "follow up".

Even before that, though, especially with children and teens (but it is also recomended for employees), the Explain, Demonstrate, Have them Do technique works like a champ.

Let me explain the "Follow Up" technique and the EDHD technique really quick. The Explain, Demonstrate, Have them Do is simple.

Let's use laundry as an example.

First, explain how to sort the clothes, how much laundry detergent and softener to use and where to put them, which settings to put the washer on, etc (Explain). Then, you physically show them how to do it (demonstrate). The next round of laundry, be there with them as they physically do it themself, but let them show you how to do it (have them do).

This technique has, time and time again, saved me so much hassle!

Normally, we do what?

We tell the child how to do something and expect them to remember everything we said. When we show them and then MAKE THEM DO IT, it ingrains the process into their brains.

What do you remember better?

Seriously, if we are training managers to use this technique for adults, why wouldn't we use it with our kids? Well, I do, and that's one of the reasons that I can "Do It With 9 Kids".

Time Management

Anyone who knows me has probably heard me say, "If only I had another 24 hours each day". Well, unfortunately, that's not going to happen. Although, I do enjoy that one day per year that we get to "turn the clocks back" and get an extra hour.

Sadly, most years, I've used that hour to catch up on must-needed sleep on a lazy Sunday morning. (Because it always falls on a SUNDAY!)

Time Management is another management technique that I've had to bring to the homefront. There is no choice in the matter, I have to manage my time, as well as manage schedules for ten other people. Meals, naptimes, bath times, work time, play time...as you know, it's endless.

Pinpoint and Control Your Time Drains

I know what my "time drains" are...social media, email, children bickering, and yes, even chores not being done. This is a big one for me, because most time drains can be controlled, reduced, and some can even be completely eliminated.

Control or Reduce Time Drains

With some things, like the kids bickering, there's nothing you can do some days. (Besides hiding in the closet.) For other things, there is a possibility that taking a little time researching could lead to an app or an online tool that will help you reduce or control your time drains.

Back in the day, I used to keep appointment cards for doctors in my wallet or purse. The problem with that is: 9 times out of 10, I'm going to look for that card and not find it where I put it. That was back when I was a new mom with only 3 children, mobile phones were a little different. Ya know?

For several years now, I've put everything from children's doctors appointments to library deadlines to upcoming events to work deadlines into my calendar on my trusty Note 3. 0. Even reminders to fax some kind of paperwork or print out a receipt can all be quickly entered into my calendar, using VOICE DICTATION!

Besides my calendar, voice dictation has become my best friend. Checking email, Facebook messages, comments, Instagram posts, checking the weather, setting a reminder, even writing blog posts and articles.

And, now, it's time to do some research. Google apps that help save time. In whatever way you may need it. I recently discovered a new time management tool that can be helpful for moms, but also helps out bloggers site owners, social media managers, and the list is endless.

I talked about it the other day. IFTTT is the best! (If you click on the link, it'll take you to my article.) Trust me when I say about 20 minutes time investment just saved me about 2 to 3 hours of work per day and made it all automated. As far as blogging and work is concerned, I'm in love. I haven't really found many ways it can make my life with my family more conducive, but I'm still looking! (There is an app linked to the IFTTT site. I think it's called Do Button.)

Phone calls and email are definite time drains...and I treat them both the same. I answer the phone and email only when I'm not too busy to deal with them. If the phone rings and I'm cooking and the kids are climbing the walls and doing the tribal hungry dance, I won't answer. I'll call back later, but unless it's an emergency (thank you, caller ID), it can wait 15 minutes.

Do you have an answering machine? Learn how to use it. :) And don't let those silly questions, "where were you when I called earlier?" make you feel guilty. Just say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I was tied up! So, how ARE you?"

Same with email...I check it when I have time to respond, or at least skim and delete the junk and mark the others to get back to later.

What sucks your time? Figure it out, find a solution.

Control and reduce those time drains, figure out how to manage your time better, and delegate correctly with EDHD.

Sure, there's still not enough time in a day.

After all, I'm still a mom of 9.

But, I spend less time doing things that are frustrating, like telling a kid how to do something over and over again or searching for that paperwork that I had to fill out - (oh, yeah, I wrote in my notes on my calendar where I put that!). Or even menial tasks, like changing my Twitter and Instagram (and LinkedIn...and so on...) profile pic when my Facebook profile pic changes.

I'd love to hear your life hacks! (Share them in the comments!)

How to be a No - Rescue Helicopter Mom

Say what?

I know what you're thinking...how could I possibly be a Helicopter Mom and a No - Rescue Mom? They're polar opposites! But, somehow, I am.

The other day, one of my friends was over our house with her three kids. She was observing how I was allowing my kids to ride bicycles and scooters, as she was helping her daughter ride one of the bikes.

"I wish I could just stand back and watch, I'm afraid one of them is going to get hurt," she said.

"Kids are going to get hurt. More than likely when we're not watching," I told her. "Remember Wesley in the double casts? That was the moment I turned my back.l You just have to make sure when you are around, you teach then to play safe."

Then I admitted, "I'm a Helicopter Mom, too. But, not with the 'little things'. I tend to hover with the more important stuff and let them finagle other things on their own. They won't learn anything if we hover all the time...but, more importantly, they won't experience that oh-so-important sense of accomplishment if we do everything for them."

It's not that I'm a No - Rescue Mom all the time.  On the contrary, sometimes, I feel like I'm all in my kids' biz all the time. I know what every single one of them are involved in on their tablets and computers. I know who they are hanging out with and where they are at all times. I'm nosey - and proud of it.

I don't allow my kids to be more than 2 driveways away when they are outside. I'm definitely a Helicopter Mom. I hover. Over 9 kids. No doubt, I stay busy.

But, at the playground or when they are playing outside, I have learned to take a step back. Of course, when they need or want my help, I'm there, willing and able. However, there's no need to hover over a child ALL.THE.TIME!

They do need to be their own little people and learn and grow and attempt to accomplish things on their own, without Mommy or Daddy standing over them. How else will they be able to feel that incredible feeling of accomplishment, "I did it! All By Myself!"?

You have to find a balance between the two extremes of Helicopter parenting and No - Rescue parenting. In all honesty, Helicopter Moms drive me nuts. You know, the hardcore hoverers who won't let their kids poop without standing next to the potty with the toilet paper ready.

The moms who trail behind their newly crawling cherub, watching their every move or picking them up at the first sign of frustration.

Stand back and let them learn their lessons on their own, but also be right there to "hover" when they want or need your help. Toddlers need a push on the swing, maybe even a little help on the slide, but they don't need us to hover over their every move.

You can also search your teen's Internet history and investigate their friends' parents, if your hovering tendencies lead you to do so, but they don't need you to be right there, holding their hand, when they're playing with their friends outside. Give them some space! They are teenagers!

My 9th child just started crawling. I keep anywhere and anything she can possibly reach clear of potential hazards and let her explore. She loves it! And, while my hovering instinct gets nervous and anxious, the No - Rescue parent part of me can't help but giggle when she gets into predicaments.

Stuck under the table. She got there somehow...

Or when she closes the door, and, in turn, closes herself in the room and starts fussing. Yes, I'm on the other side, giggling. (Only for a moment, though. I'm not mean, I just think it's cute.)

I think I've found a happy medium between the No - Rescue parent and the Helicopter parent. It's not perfect, but it works for me and the kids. They know I care and I'm here when they need me, while they're also allowed to learn for themselves.

It took 9 kids to get to this point, though! ;)

So, you see, it's possible to be both!

The Cry It Out (CIO) "Method" is Torture! (3 Reasons Why I've Never Used It)

I'm not going to sit on a sanctimommy pedestal and talk down to the parents who resort to "practice" the Cry It Out Method. Ferberizing...controlled crying...sleep training...call it what you want, I call it Baby Torture.

I won't judge you if that's your approach to getting your baby to sleep for naps and bedtime, but I will be openly blunt with my opinion, as usual, and back it up with facts - as usual. :) (If you're going to get all butthurt about what I'm about to say, just click the "x" at the top of the screen.)

I Couldn't Do It

Throughout the course of 9 babyhoods, I could NEVER let mine cry it out. My motherly nurturing instinct made me feel terrible even fathoming the idea, despite my husband's suggestions to try it with certain fussy babies (I won't mention any names).

I remember hours upon hours, days and weeks and months of being exhausted to no end, exasperated because I couldn't console my baby. But, at least I was holding and cuddling and loving on him or her, rather than leaving them alone and crying.

And, after tons and tons of unbiased research, I realized that my motherly nurturing instinct was, of course, spot on. There are emotional and scientific reasons that back up what I was feeling deep down inside.

Normal Infant Sleep

One of the biggest problems is that our ideals, as parents, regarding infant sleep, are quite different than nature. Listen, I understand it's normal to be tired and need a break...after all, I've been through the newborn and infant stage nine times. However, at their most fussiest times, often what our babies need most is cuddling, reassurance, and nurturing.

And when they wake during the night, they need the same things, plus are probably hungry, because their little bellies can only hold so much food at a time, therefore they eat more often. We surely can't expect a baby under the age of 1 to sleep through the night. If they happen to sleep through the night before then, that's excellent, but if they don't, there's no need to punish them.

Anyway, here are 5 reasons why I never let my babies CIO:

1. Result = Detachment & Insecurity

A baby that is left in his or her crib to Cry It Out doesn't stop crying and fall asleep because they are content, all their needs are met, and they feel secure.

On the contrary, the baby falls asleep because he or she has physically worn themself out and has basically come to the conclusion that no one, not even Mommy or Daddy, is going to come to their rescue and console them or fulfill their needs.

Personally, I would hate to think that feeling or thought has ever run through my children's minds. When my babies, children, or (although very rarely) pre-teens and teenagers cry, I want to be the one that makes it better...and even if I can't make it better, for some reason, I want to know that at least I did my best trying.

Research has shown that babies and children whose caregivers were not responsive and empathetic to their feelings and needs in a consistent manner tended to be more insecure than those babies and children whose needs and feelings were consistently attended to.

My kids will not forever be superglued to my hip or breast; attachment issues are the least of my worries. However, I'll be darned if any of my babies or kids suffer detachment or insecurity issues because I wasn't there for them when they needed it, and that goes for bedtime, too.

2. Ferberizing Disregards Babies Needs & Oftentimes, Doesn't Work

Just cruise through some "success stories" written by parents who let their babies Cry It Out. How many parents clearly stated that they had to let their babies Cry It Out for a week before "it worked"!

I'm sorry, I just can't see exasperating my baby to the point of exhaustion, letting them feel like Mommy doesn't care and left them all alone, as being a success. When babies cry, there is a reason that they are crying. Sure, some cry because they are tired, but that doesn't mean that they don't need some cuddling or maybe some lights-out, quiet time with Mom or Dad.

Then, when certain milestones, like teething or even when a baby gets immunizations, parents often find that they have to start the whole process over again.

When it all boils down, it just feels like I'm disrespecting my child's needs. Experts around the world will say that babies cry because they need something. Nobody will tell you that babies cry because they want to make you mad or get on your nerves.

3. Decreased Development

Dr. Michael Lewis, a well-known infant development specialist, presented at an American Academy of Pediatrics meeting his findings that supported that “the single most important influence of a child’s intellectual development is the responsiveness of the mother to the cues of her baby.”

Think about that.

Now think about leaving a baby to Cry It Out. The baby is providing a "cue" when he or she cries. The mother responds by letting the infant just lay there, with no means to care for themself, and Cry It Out.

Other research has shown that a child's intellectual and social skills do not develop in a healthy way if the infant's cries are not attended to. Average IQs are lower, fine motor skills are developed poorly, and they experience difficulty with controlling emotions.

And, if you're worried about attachment issues, they can become worse if you allow your baby to Cry It Out. Children often become clingier when they feel like their needs are not being met.

Infant's don't have the mentality to manipulate. They're not thinking "If I cry hard enough and long enough, I'll get what I want". They're crying because they need something, and it's up to us, as their parents, to figure out what they need.

You've Heard It Before, "This, Too, Shall Pass"

I don't have a problem spending 24/7 with my infants. My little Trinity right now wants to be on my hip all day and beside me in bed all night. She wants me to be right there next to her when she falls asleep, and often breastfeeds to sleep. She wants me right next to her for her "dream feeds" during the night. I'm fine with it.

Being my 9th child, I'm ok with it because...

I know it doesn't last forever. Soon enough, she'll be too busy to be worried about Mommy and running around doing her own thing. Soon enough, she'll be riding bikes and getting invites to pool parties. And soon enough, she'll be in high school, talking about how she's almost old enough to drive. (I know this, because my oldest is almost 16!)

That short amount of time out of my life that I was a sleepless Mombie  (mom+zombie) didn't kill me. I've made it through that stage 8 times, and this 9th time, I'm enjoying every moment of it. And I'm pretty sure she is, too. ♡♡♡


(We all have different opinions, and I'd love to hear yours! Leave a comment below if you want to chime in!)

If This Then That (IFTTT) - Just Made Your Work 100 Times Easier!

If only there was a really quick way I could set up blog posts to post to Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and LikedIn...

And wouldn't it be cool if when I changed my Facebook profile pic, my Twitter profile pic would automatically update, too?

Who hasn't lost their contact list? How about a quick way to create a spreadsheet with Google from your contact list, without the hassle of having to input all the info?

Do you want top headlines from People, NPR, or any other media channel sent straight to your email?

It would save so much time - and also add "reach" within multiple networks - if I could, for example, share my Facebook Page statuses to my LinkedIn feed.

Well, someone did it! Ask and you shall receive!

It's called IFTTT and it uses the formula IF This Then That.

And if you spend any time on the Internet and between the social media networks, you're going to be just as excited as I am!

Never Enough Time In A Day

Time is precious in my world (and I assume it's just as precious in yours!). Less time spent on menial tasks means more time with my children. I always say that I could use an extra 24 to 48 hours per day, so IFTTT has just become my new best friend!

Make Personalized "Recipes" 

I'm not talking about cooking here. Not baking, either. The algorithm "IF This Then That" is essentially the formula for your "recipes". For example, if a new article publishes on NPR, then an email is sent to me. Or, if I publish an article on my blog (Blogger - or Wordpress, if that's what you use), then a tweet will publish on my Twitter account.

The website is made so user-friendly, and if you're anything like me, doing everything on the phone, the mobile site is cut n dry, as well. Easy peasy. Just like I like things.

They even have an app for Android users AND iPhones!

To start, click on creating from the drop-down menu, then click on "this" (see above). Then, you'll have numerous options to choose from to start. For example, if you want all your Blogger blog posts to automatically post to Facebook, you would start by clicking on the Blogger icon. 

Do you want all of your posts or just posts with specific labels to post to Facebook? It's as easy as clicking the button. That's how you create the "trigger". 

Then, I expected a speedbump. Because I didn't want my posts to shoot out to my personal page, but rather the Mommy Rantings page. Guess what?

Just click on the "Facebook Pages" option. 

Perfect. Simple.

Connecting all of your social media pages is a breeze, too. It's similar to how apps connect to your accounts. A couple of quick clicks and social media networks are connected for all of the IFTTT recipes your heart desires. 

In the matter of about 20 minutes today, I condensed about 3 hours of work per day and made it all automated. I'm so excited to see how it all works! 

Now, if I can just hold myself back from spending all this extra time concocting new IFTTT recipes! 

Check it out, let me know what you think!