Thou Shalt Not Lie: What To Do When Kids Lie

Truth or Consequences

Have you ever told a lie? If you are human, there is a good chance that you have. Although, us parents hate to admit it...especially in front of our children.

The truth is: We all lie...and even if it's just a little "white lie", it's still not the truth. We lie to get out of events or appointments that we would rather not attend. I've lied to the kid's pediatrician about the kids sleeping in their crib (see Co-Sleeping: The Real Deal - my kids have all slept in my bed from day one, against doctor's "orders"). And, let's not forget about certain holiday "characters" that I will not mention due to the fact that my children (or someone else's) may read my blog...I think you know who I mean...we tell those white lies and every story that comes with them, too.

I Hate Lying  

Despite the fact that I've lied a few times in my life...(as far as I remember)...

I hate lying. I hate when my kids do it. But, I completely understand the compulsion to do it. You lie because the truth could either get you in trouble or hurt someone's feelings. I think that's the bottom line.

But, lying can be extremely hurtful, too. Have you ever told a friend that they look absolutely fabulous when they really looked terrible in their new outfit? Let me break the news to you: your friend went out in public looking hideous because you didn't tell her that she looked awful. Um...that's hurtful, whether you meant to be or not.

Teach Your Children

It is vital to explain to your children how lying affects other people. Yes, sometimes it's easier to lie to get out of immediate trouble or to hedge around the possibility of hurting other people's feelings. And, sometimes, it's fun to lie and say someone else did it and get them into trouble.

Do the invisible children, "I didn't do it!" and "It wasn't me!" live in your house too? Sometimes, I wonder if I have more kids than I really do, because those two - I didn't do it and It wasn't me - do a lot of stuff around my house. 

Be The Example

In order to teach your children about lying, you need to be honest. If you MUST lie about something, don't let them know that you are doing it (for goodness sake!). We all know, as parents, that children learn by example. If they see or hear you lying, what type of message are you sending them?

Do you remember the phone call the other day when you told your sister that you were "too busy" to meet her for lunch. You had a meeting that started ten minutes ago and you were late...and, right after you hung up the phone, your kids asked you why you lied to Auntie? Duck around the corner, if you must, or practice telling the truth in a courteous and caring manner. "Well, I've just had so much running around to do lately and, to be quite honest with you, I'm just exhausted! Maybe we could meet up tomorrow? I'd love to catch up with you! It's been too long!"

Lying Role Models

Unfortunately, our children have some terrible "role models" to look up to...I'm going to throw out George W. Bush, the former President of the United States! I'm not sure if ANYTHING that came out of his mouth was truthful, yet our children our supposed to look up to him?

As a matter of fact, most of the politicians today seem to have trouble telling the truth...

Church clergy are lying...school officials are lying...everywhere we turn, a "role model" figure is telling a fib.

Lying Can Be Hurtful: How To Address It With Your Kids

Talk to your kids about how lying hurts other people. Be completely open-minded and give them concrete examples like the one above (about your friend and their new outfit). Ask them to tell you examples of situations that would prompt them to lie. Discuss "good lies" versus "bad lies". Is there ever an acceptable time to lie, in their opinion? Let them know your opinion about the "good lie" versus "bad lie" concept and if you think there is ever a good reason to lie.

Discuss how not telling the truth can affect more than just the immediate people involved. Talk about the "Big Picture"...how lies can spread and get bigger than they really ever started out to be. Explain how, although lying can be a quick-fix, it can also quickly snowball into more lies and...ultimately, a great big mess.

Why Would You Lie?

Ask them why they feel compelled to lie. "In what situation would you think you would need/want to lie?" Once you hear their opinions and reasoning about lying, you can help them understand that telling the truth is far better in the long run.

Let them come to their own conclusions by creating several hypothetical circumstances and asking questions. In what type of situation would you lie? Why would you lie? How could lying hurt other people in that particular situation? What are the possible consequences if you lie?

Is lying really the best method for solving the problem? The answer to this question is usually "No".

Talking About Lying

The best time to address lying is when it is not a problem or issue. In other words, come up with a spur of the moment discussion and bring it up rather than waiting for your child to lie. Your children will be more open to discussion and won't feel like they are put on the spot about their own behavior or defending themselves. You might even bring up an instance when YOU lied and tell them that you were wrong...and progress from there.

Who knows? You might even learn something about lying and telling the truth, too!